Defusing Counterwill | Chapter 21 – Scattered Minds
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Most of what we call “behavior” is not the real issue. It’s a message. A signal. A child trying to find safety when the bond feels a little shaky. Counterwill, resistance, “acting out”… none of it means a child is being manipulative or difficult. It simply means: “I feel pushed, pulled, overpowered… and I don’t know how to anchor myself.” As Dr. Neufeld explains, the behavior is just the smoke — the fire is always in the attachment. When the relationship feels strong, warm, and steady, the nervo
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Mary on Instagram: "1. Counterwill appears not because a child is stubborn, but because the connection in that moment feels like pressure. You speak calmly, but the nervous system hears “I’m in control.” The brain reads not the words, but the direction: who is in charge. The instinct fires automatically, so “no” comes out faster than thought. This is not a choice and not manipulation, but a reflex protecting autonomy when closeness is experienced as control. 2. Neuroscience supports this. A chil
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